We talk a lot about what boundaries are. We often encourage boundaries without recourse, and without context. After all – boundaries are a way to take back your power, boost your self confidence, and improve your mental health, right?

However, there are a lot of things that healthy boundaries are NOT. To set a healthy boundary that benefits your relationship with someone instead of hinders or hurts it, there are a few things you might want to steer clear of. Here is a list of things that boundaries aren’t, so you can think through a boundary the next time you set it.

  • A boundary is not a punishment. Setting a boundary as a way to ‘get back’ at someone who wronged you is an unhealthy boundary. BUT, a boundary can be brought about by an awkward experience or uncomfortable situation where you’d like to feel comfortable in the future. The intention behind a boundary is very important.

EXAMPLE: Becky’s MIL gave her kid sugar while babysitting, when Becky specifically told her family member not to. Now, Becky has told her MIL that she can’t babysit anymore.

  • A boundary is not a threat. Phrases like “if you don’t do x, I won’t do x” don’t belong anywhere near boundaries.
  • A boundary is not an ultimatum. “You can’t see your grandkids if you don’t stop doing x.” “I’m leaving this relationship if you don’t do x.”
  • Boundaries are not a ‘one and done’ thing. You may have to revisit them, reset them or remind people of them. They are something you set and maintain. Just because you said it to someone one time, does not mean that they will remember.
  • Boundaries don’t disrespect the values or beliefs of others when you do not agree with them. 
  • Boundaries don’t go against someone else’s ‘no’. Example: “You won’t do x for me, and that makes me sad.” Implicitly or directly pushing against someone else’s boundaries, making them not feel safe. You’re allowed to share how something makes you feel, you’re not allowed to use it against them in a manipulative way.
  • Boundaries don’t allow you to manage areas of someone else’s life that have no impact on you. 
  • Boundaries don’t tell people what’s best for them or how to live their lives. 
  • Boundaries don’t demand that people change for you. 

So, you’ve determined the boundary you set is a valid, healthy boundary. And no one seems to be respecting or responding to it in the way you hoped. WHY?! Here are a few reasons why someone may not respect a boundary you have set:

  • You don’t take yourself seriously. First and foremost, be confident in what you say, and use confident body language when you say it. If you don’t take yourself seriously, how can you expect someone else to? If you feel anxious, take time to calm yourself before the conversation. Spend time planning your words carefully.
  • You don’t hold people accountable. If someone knows that a boundary won’t be brought up again, or that their blatant disrespect or choice to ignore the boundary will be left alone – it’s easy for them to continue to do what they are doing.
  • You apologize for setting boundaries. When you apologize for a boundary, you invalidate your feelings, and make the boundary seem flexible and minimize it’s importance to you.
  • You allow too much flexibility. Allowing flexibility makes your boundary a somewhat gray area, and makes people unsure of your expectations.
  • You speak in uncertain terms. Words and terms like “maybe” and “I don’t know” make the boundary seem uncertain.

Finally…. It’s most important to remember that if you don’t SAY your boundary out loud, you can’t expect someone to respect them! Simple as that! It’s easy to be caught in a headspace where you think you’ve made a boundary clear – but unless you can clearly name an instance where you word for word indicated a boundary to someone in PERSON – it may not be as clear as you might think.

The biggest tip for maintaining healthy boundaries? Start setting boundaries TODAY. Don’t wait until the next uncomfortable confrontation.