One of our therapists, Aimee, was listening to Reviving Ophelia’s 25th Anniversary Edition and wanted to share some of the key points with you! Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls is a 1994 book written by Mary Pipher. She added updates for the 25th anniversary edition. This book takes a look at the effects of societal pressures on American adolescent girls, and utilizes many case studies from the author’s experience as a therapist. The author compares the 60’s, 90’s, and 2010’s. There are some similarities and some stark differences.
We are more connected than ever, virtually, and are simultaneously more lonely than ever. Teen girls seem to be feeling this the most. Adolescent girls who get cell phones and social media lose their childhood. They are presenting teen girls with challenges that haven’t been experienced before. We assume the challenges are regarding exposure to pornography, solicitation, and sharing of pictures. While those are concerns, there are more smaller continuous challenges that are changing their perspectives, expectations, and the way they interact with the world around them.
How quickly they can get a text from a friend stating she’s going to commit suicide. The emotional and ethical dilemma it creates in girls that are too young to be online.
They check their phone on average 80 times a day and spend 6+ hours a day on it. They’re a child and then they’re immediately a sex object. In a matter of minutes.
Many girls sleep with their phones and check them in the middle of the night.
Teens are losing connection to each other and themselves. Girls are more attached to their phones than they are to their families. Much learning that comes from face to face interactions is no longer happening. Teen girls are experiencing more loneliness than ever before.
Social media does not only mean Facebook and Social Media. It includes Pinterest, SnapChat, Reddit, TikTok, YouTube, Discord, etc.
We are inviting dangers into their lives that they are likely not prepared for. It’s hoped they feel safe and comfortable enough to bring issues of concern to their parents. But how long will that exist? Teens start to pull away. That’s natural, normal, and even healthy.
What is she going to do when some kid sends her a dick pic? Or pressures her to send him a pic of her naked body? Will she be able to keep her boundaries? For how long? Will she remember that as soon as she sends it it will likely be shared with others? Rarely do private conversations remain private.
Educate your teens regarding bodies, sex, intimacy, respect, consent, values, communication, etc. Don’t let their peers and/or porn be their sex education. They are curious. Teach them. Start when they are toddlers, before it is awkward or uncomfortable for anyone.
Be concerned about the messages she gets about what it means to be a girl. What she is supposed to look and act like. Eating disorders, depression, suicidal ideation and attempts are at an all time high. Never been higher. The single strongest correlation is the increase in their phone use and online presence. It may be worth your teen hating you for a while and dealing with some challenges with her not being invited to every event and conversation than to invite that into her life.
52% of female college freshmen have anxiety and panic attacks. Our cell phones are temporarily giving us regular dopamine hits and causing long-term anxiety and panic.
Here are some questions you need to ask yourself and your teen:
Who are you?
How do I feel right now?
What are my values?
How would I describe myself to myself?
How do I see myself in the future?
What kind of work do I like?
What kind of leisure do I like?
When do I feel most myself?
How did I change (or am I changing) through puberty?
What kinds of people do I respect?
How am I similar and different from my mother/father?
What goals do I have for myself as a person?
What are my strengths and weaknesses?
What will I be proud of on my deathbed?
Make sure after you ask yourself these questions, that you observe your own answers without judgment. What will and won’t I accept?
Journaling is a great tool that can help you separate thoughts and feelings. Separating thoughts and feelings is important because they are two different processes, and both should be respected when making a decision.
We all want to escape pain, but instead – we should manage pain. Sit with pain, Listen to it for messages about your lives. Acknowledge and describe it, rather than run from it. Learn to talk about pain and express it through writing, art or music.
Rate your stresses on a scale of 1-10. Challenge extreme statements and put them in perspective. Look for validation inside yourself. Record your victories, and recognize that victories are actions in keeping with long-term goals.
Use time travel as a survival skill. Some tough days can be helped by remembering the past, happy times or when times were worse. Sometimes traveling to the future to remind us that we’re on course towards our long term goals and that certain experiences will not last forever. This offers perspective.
Help others on a regular basis. This prevents us from being self absorbed and keeps things in perspective.
Follow your north star.
Focus on breathing and bodies. Moments of silence and movement. Hiking, looking at the stars, being outside, connecting with nature. Have connections with others as much as possible.
